HEX: #a76ba7
She views her reflection constantly, and there is no stillness in her perception, her mind is constantly racing trying to figure out how to portray herself day by day. She leaves her reflection, still with no answers; she feels alone and feels as if no one can relate. She becomes emotional every time she sees her reflection because she is aware that her feeling of invalidation is constant and it makes her extremely anxious that it is the only thing that makes her feel alive. She brings herself back together and thinks of many different ways she can please other people that day through her appearance. She scrolls anxiously through social media for inspiration on what people, specifically men like, and finds a way to mimic those attributes. She tears her mind, body, and soul apart trying to mimic influencers perfectly, it becomes chaotic. She finally looks at herself in the mirror and is not pleased with what she has created because her imperfections are still apparent, but that will do for now. She takes on the day, males giving her the validation she needs to fake a smile. She thinks that this male validation is bringing her more towards the rebirthing, more whole light, however this validation is pushing her more towards the ground further and further away into the darkness. She makes sure they are always pleased, with their domination of opinion creating her authentication. She leaves her experiences with men feeling even more confused, asking herself, why haven’t these opinions filled the void? Her false face is becoming her only reality more and more, and her identity is almost lost beyond recovery; she the mask-wearer merges into the ghost. She goes back to the mirror where her perception is even more blurred than ever, she accepts what she has done to self-sabotage and goes to bed only with the slither of white light casted above her blurred self, where the light is now farther from her than ever. Yet, the white light is still welcoming her with open arms.
Of all the needs that humans possess, one of the most important is the need for relatedness: the need to have close relationships and commonalities with others. HEX #a76ba7 has lived her whole life constantly battling with the fact that she is never satisfied with her authentic self. She is a seeker of love and attention, truly and deeply craving it always. Her perception of herself is based on how other people, especially men, perceive her; the constant need for approval and the necessity of being physically attractive to the male eye is what drives her identity and it is what has put her in a downward spiral. Her perception of herself is now completely blurry because she is allowing the search for external, romantic, monogamous-partnership-driven love to consume herself.
“I love to impress people, I love to make people look at me in a great way. People need to like me or I will not feel like I have any worth. It is constantly what I think about -pleasing people- because it is the only way I even form the view of myself. My life is driven through others' validation, and it is extremely hard to cope with because I don't even know who I am.”
She seeks wholeness in the wrong places, a man’s validation and mimicking social media models gives her woman completeness. If she is not feeling enough attention from a guy, she seeks out platonic or romantic intimacy elsewhere. She needs to know that someone finds her interesting and desirable enough to hangout one-on-one, it fills the void.
In high school, HEX: #a76ba7 was bullied constantly and it was those detrimental moments that triggered the constant feelings of needing to be validated.
“Sophomore year of high school was the worst year of my life. I was bullied everyday, hated it, everyone perceived me in a way I was not able to control, so invalidating, no one cared about me and I felt very insignificant. I had no one on my side except my mom. I never wanted to feel like this again, I could not control how negative people were towards me, so I adjusted to fitting the mold of what other people wanted. However, I make sure I put a lot of love into other people, because I do not want people to feel as invalidated as I did in high school.”
Even though, constant validation is what she needs to thrive, HEX: #a76ba7 makes sure other people feel validated all of the time. She feels it is important to make sure others feel loved, so they do not go through the spiral she is currently trying to unwind.
She is taking it one step at a time to try and undo the need for constant validation. It is a constant battle, looking in the mirror at herself and changing everything based on what others want in a person, scrolling through social media and feeling like she is not enough to be desired, giving herself to men just so they can be satisfied, sacrificing herself in the process.
She owes the parts of herself that are constantly still whole to her role model, her mother.
“She is what kept some of the pieces together by always being there for me and constantly reminding me that the only person who I needed approval from is myself. She is my rock and takes me out of my spiral and helps me recognize my worth when I do not see it.”
HEX: #a76ba7 believes her mother’s color is a mix of red and blue. She believes that her mother is a mixture of red and blue because she is extremely passionate about everything she accomplishes and she is always sticking up for herself. She believes that she is blue because she is very calm, peaceful and level-headed.
For HEX: #a76ba7, to improve her perception of herself it takes a lot of reminding that she is good enough, she always tells herself when she feels she is lost,“YOU ARE ENOUGH,”and that she does not need to be everyone’s favorite person. She has terrible imposter syndrome, she always feels like she is not supposed to be where she is and to cope with that she is going to therapy, trying to remind herself that she is enough outside of people’s opinions.
HEX: #a76ba7 is this hue of purple because she is a mixture of red, blue, yellow, pink, and white.
Red: She generates qualities from her mother, a part of her personality is formed by emulating her mother.
Blue: She is a combination of the elements of the ocean and the sky. Blue can be serene, dark, and full of consumption. The elements of the ocean that are ingrained in HEX: #a76ba7 are that she feels rough some days and calm on other days. It feels for her as though everything is passing by in a blur, yet ever so vivid. The elements of the sky that are deeply embedded in her identity are that she is a reflection of the components of her environment and that she is a constant storm waiting to be taken over by the sun.
Yellow: Validation is her sun, people’s opinions are what prominently provide her light, her happiness. She gains good days based on the brightness validity is providing.
White: She is attempting to rebirth and regrow her identity, it is a hard process, but the slither light at the end of the spiral is peering through always, welcoming her with open arms.
Pink: For her qualities: love, kindness, and femininity. Her love for others exceeds her love for herself, she is kind, caring and makes everyone feel warm and loved. She is very feminine, dresses and acts in ways to intrigue the male gaze.
